ever experienced trying to lie so badly
to yourself about something and then soon
after time, it slowly become real
i had.
there was this person i really liked very muchbut then i felt
that this person was very cold and evil to me, i probably
thought that maybethis person hates me alot but then i
didn't want to give up. because i thought that, maybe if i
stayed longer by this person's side, this person will slowly
realise that i exist, that i'm not invisible, that i really
wanna care for this person. yet, no matter what i do, this
person isvery unresponsive, or should i say responsive by
being cold to me, rude, ignoring me. i felt tired,
physically and mentally. i wanted to just stop
but yet i can't because some unknown part of me says
"hey, i think this person kinda knows you exist!"
i kept on going and going, its like a petrol, the best one
V power. ha. but i can't keep on lying to myself about
this person might have feelings too. my heart ached really
everytime i hear this person's name or stares at this
person's eyes. it's like my heart is really tied up into a knot
and is not really pain but numb followed a difficulty to
breathe and it's like my heart turns into a solid stone.
this person's existence is a pain to me, yet i still wish to
be next to this person. soon, i felt like i'm disappearing
from this person. i felt like my feelings cannot reach out
to this person, i felt like i need scream out loud and only
then can this person feel me, only then can this person
realise that i'm still here and present. it's really exhuasting
really really exhuasting. i could not take it anymore so
i lied to myself that i hate this person very much and this
person never existed in the first place. do you know how
painful was it to hate someone you love. i know this wasn't
some puppy love or those temporary hot craze i have. i
know because all i wanted to do was just see this person
smile and be happy. i feel selfish because sometimes, i
just want this person to look at me and smile. but i can't
help this feeling. everyday, everytime i meet this person,
i must tell myself that i have no feelings for this person.
this person does not exist im my world i created just to
store myself. "ignore this person! IGNORE!", such phrases
goes through my head everytime. it's like a control pill for me.
this world existed since i was very young. its a place where no
words, no emotions can get in to harm me. after a while, the
lie became true, i was starting to lose my feelings for this
person. but yet, i felt really lonely. isn't this what i wanted?
this person's very pressence hurts me. but yet, i dun feel
lonely when this person existed in my world.